Eastern Europe

To get the rank smell of the mud bath off of my body?? Well, I cant tell you the answer to that but I do know that it is not two, because, I have had two and in certain winds I can still smell the horrific smell my German friend calls "earth." I have lived on and with this earth for 23 years and can assure you that my nostrils have never yet come across a smell like this. Maybe this is because I have never covered myself in hot, thick, slimy mud before. You may be wondering what the heck I am talking rambling on about. Let me tell you...

Pärnu, the summer capital of Estonia, is known for its famous mud baths. "You haven't been to Pärnu if you haven't had a mud bath!" Well, obviously I am here so I had to see what this was all about. The Spa Estonia with its grand exterior and kept gardens looked like the perfect place. Its back yard is the Gulf of Riga (off of the Baltic) which produces this constant calming breeze.
"Oh, this is going to be great!" I thought to myself as I let the surroundings capture me and calm my mood. Serenity at its finest...
WAKE UP! My peaceful demeanor was striped form me and replaced with an overwhelming uneasy feeling as I was hustled down the corridor which had a striking resemblance to corridor one might see in a 1960ś mental institution. My "hustler" was a lady robed in a uniform that fit the script to the T. Pale green and white checkered hallways and bright red chairs suddenly seemed to be luxury as I turned to enter the treatment room. Picture this, white tile and grey plaster walls with two treatment areas.. which are tiled benches built into the wall. I cant explain it but I have pictures.
"All off! All off!" interrupted my flashbacks to creepy films that I have seen set in the institutions that I previously described. I obediently disrobed as the lady laid down tarp like blankets on the bench-bed. There I stood as naked as the day I was born trying not to get sick from the nasty odor of the room wondering in angst what was to happen next.
"Just go with it..." I kept telling myself. The lady then took a bucket of mud and threw it on the bench.
"Hurry! Hurry! Sit! Sit!" she said as she grabbed me by my shoulders and plopped me down into the mud and proceeded to push me backwards sliding me to the back of the bench. I cant tell you what was going through my head.
"Hurry! Hurry!" Hands on my shoulders turning me and laying me down--ahh--a bucket of mud was thrown on me as I continued to wonder what the hay I had gotten myself into. Before I knew it I was in a tarp cocoon filled with HOT mud. My chest was uncovered I suspect so that I wouldn't pass out-which I believe I would have if it too had been tightly wrapped in mud.
"15 minutes" and she was gone. I cant tell you all of the thoughts that were going through my mind during the 15 minutes that wouldn't end.
"Is this clean mud??" "What is clean mud?" "What is that I feel?"
So, there I laid in my mud cocoon sweating my butt off thinking, "Its OK, people flock here for this."
Tick tock tick tock...sweat in my eyes... tick tock tick tock...what is in this mud...tick tock tick tock.. SAVING GRACE! She is back! She unwrapped me as fast as she wrapped me up. She then grabbed my camera and took pictures--interesting at the time but humorous and now I am glad I have them. Then, she put me in a shower to rinse the mud off. Wow, I cant think of anything I wanted more at that point.
She was so kind to hand me a tiny towel before rushing me into the corridor and out the door into the garden to wait until my massage therapist was ready. Yes, I was in the garden in simply a tiny towel wondering what to do next. That decision was made quickly as the pterodactyls, I mean mosquito's, began to attack at the same time a big man in the same size tiny towel attempted to strike up a conversation. I made a quick exit through the nearest door which led me into the "wax exhibition" room. WEIRD. So, now I am in my tiny towel with Bruce Willis, the Pope, and many other wax men starring at me. Though they were great pieces of art they looked like corpses and I had to make another quick exit. Perfect timing! My massage therapist was coming for me. My massage was nice but never-the-less still "institutional." Upon the completion of my "spa day" I ran to take a shower... and then another one... and I am going to take another one now because I am getting sick from the smell!
All joking aside it was a great experience and yes, I would do it again since now I know what to expect.

"There is no modesty in Russian Banya, Estonian Mud Baths, and Hungarian Bath Houses."

I believe it is safe to say that the Finnish people may be the most helpful people that I have ever come across. It seemed as if people would jump to help out whenever possible. And when I say help, I dont mean that they would simply answer a question or point to a place on a map. If by chance they did not know the answer to the question that I asked, they would find out for me or offer alternatives.

When Joe was lost and couldnt remember the name of our hotel a man in a store spent 15 minutes with him going through directories and calling around trying to find the correct hotel. When he did, he took Joe outside and made sure he knew the exact way to go.

When we would ask a question on the street people around the person that we asked seemed eager to chime in and offer their help as well. They always seemed sincerely happy to help. You could almost see the pleasure on written on their faces knowing that they did a good deed.

More to come on this topic as my time is up. But, in a temporary closing... thank you Finnish people! You are wonderful!

My title lives on! My friends in Latin America called me this and now Joe Bloke wont let it die. We are carefully documenting all of the champagne backpacker ways on video. The most recent being our transportation from Helsinki (Finland) to Tallinn (Estonia). Ferry... 50€... HELICOPTER....120€. So, of course we had to take the copter. Yes, this is the same company that crashed into the Baltic on the same path a couple of weeks ago, but we were told that it hasn't happened before, or at least in 5 years. We successfully made it to Tallinn, the beautiful Medieval Town that reminds me of Rothenberg, Germany. We walked around for a bit before finding a place to stay.. another champagne backpacker move. hehe... Of course of all of the options I had to chose the 1000 EEK 2 bedroom apartment that must be at least 1000 square feet. It has a kitchen, big living room, large bathroom and a WASHING MACHINE! It really equates to about $40 a night (each) which I think is a good deal. Plus, we can eat in and do our laundry in which has proven to be very expensive (14€ for 2 pairs of underwear and 2 pairs of socks at the last hotel). I think it is a great place, right in the center of old town and close to everything.

Of course, I am having trouble living the accommodation selection down, especially after the expensive Helsinki trip, which consisted of an expensive hotel, ballet, and a reindeer dinner. But, enjoy yourself while you can, right?

I wouldn't know. I had a wonderful time in St. Petersburg despite the fact that I didn't see anything except the Hermitage.. which was amazing. Its seems as if the odds were against us in the sight seeing department as every time we tried to see something it didn't work out. We would first spend an hour trying to get to the place and when we would finally arrive after a few "adventures" along the way we would meet another obstacle...

For example, we tried to purchase tickets to see the ballet Swan Lake- First we wandered around the streets trying to find the ththeater Upon the completion of that first challenge we were met with another... communicating with the ticket lady. Joe stood there and starred blankly as she rambled to us in Russian (knowing we didn't speak it) for what seemed like hours, but was most likely 5 minutes or so. We tried to point at the posters and the clocks and calendars to convey our point but it just wwasn'tworking. Our heads hung low we ttraveledalong the way to where we were told there was a ticket office that could help us. We were excited to find it relatively easily but our spirits were dampened by the lady who simply said, "no eEnglish and shook her head at us. If we tried to speak she would cut us off. So, needless to say, there was no Swan Lake on our agenda for the evening.

Peterhof- It is a must see while in Petersburg right? Well, we cant say we didn't try... and try hard I might add. I wont get into the details of our many attempts to get there but the closest time was when we actually got onto the large boat that you buy tickets to the small boat which takes you to the Peterhof. We were so excited to be able to purchase tickets after our many attempts!
"2 please."
"No, not today... tomorrow... storm."
Storm??? What storm? Blue skies and mid 70ś it was a beautiful day. People at the ticket window next to us were not having problems as they bought their tickets and proceeded to board the boat right next to us. I swear one of them bumped into me in an attempt to board quicker to get the best seat. It took all I had not to utter words of contempt

I did have a good time in Petersburg despite our problems. I feel that I have a great understanding of the metro and I could probably write a guide to the Cafes. So, I guess the "half glass full" way to look at it would be that now I have a reason to go back, sooner than later...

• I attribute the problems to my lack of knowledge of the Russian language.

How are these girls so skinny? I don't understand it. I mean, every girl here is 5'9" 105lbs. Its crazy! Every 5 steps I see another BEAUTIFUL women. It is mind numbing and inspiring lol. I did some research and here is what I came up with.

There is no transitional phase or middle ground. One is either skinny and beautiful or fat. I was told that when the 30's hit they blow up like balloons. It is not a gradual process. This information made me feel slightly better lol. There is an overall obsession with being thin here, even more so than the states (obviously). Being thin is hugely important and a constant goal. You would think that they work out all the time right? No. It is considered unhealthy for Russian women to work out. So, they do not spend hours and hours a day sweating in the gym. This leads to another theory... Russian women do not have muscle mass which in turn makes them appear far skinnier. I am a strong believer in this theory because it seems to prove itself. When i say thin, I mean tall and lanky (but pretty). No one looks toned or thick. Their legs are so thin its slightly unappealing. In Russian culture it is very uncommon to eat a large dinner. Most Russians will eat a good sized lunch and simply have something like a boiled egg for dinner. I heard this from many of the Russians that I spoke with. The man that shared my sleeper car with me on the train said he hadn't eaten breakfast or dinner in 2 years... I would not make it here. Some other theories that I stumbled upon were:
-They have naturally faster metabolism
-Processed foods are not common here
-They walk EVERYWHERE!
-They grew up in the Soviet Union and in turn had bad nutrition
-They smoke, and smoke, and smoke...

I am not sure what the cause is but I will continue to investigate!
Disclaimer: This is all second hand knowledge-if anyone has anything to offer please do.